Secrets to a Great Sex Life Revealed
Lots of scholars have studied how to have a great sex life, and writers of all kinds have opined on the issue. Funny thing: even when we have the data, and all those experts, the way to a great sex life isn’t clear.
In the book The Normal Bar, the authors disclose the results of an online study of 70,000 people in 24 countries. They report that people who have a great sex life in every time zone on the planet generally do the same things.
They say “I love you” every day and mean it.
They kiss one another passionately for no reason.
- They are physically affectionate, even in public.
- They cuddle.
- They make sex a priority, not the last item of a long to-do list.
- They can talk comfortably about their sex life.
John Gottman of the Gottman Institute cites this worldwide study to confirm what he has previously observed: “Building a great sex life is not rocket science.” His advice: get busy knocking out the items in the above list, and, voilà, you’ll have a great sex life.
But hold up, Johnnie. A great sex life may not be rocket science, but it isn’t Lincoln Logs either. No one builds a great sex life by cuddling with someone who hates cuddling.
Let’s take a step back and channel our inner high school science teacher by repeating a key lesson: correlation is not causation. In other words, just because people who have a great sex life do something, like, say, drink tea, this doesn’t mean that drinking tea has anything to do with a great sex life.
Logic is another pesky little detail. Couples who report that they regularly perform the activities on the above list “generally” have a great sex life, and those who don’t, well, don’t have a great sex life—”generally.” There are exceptions, and the exceptions matter because of diversity.
People Are Different
We all like what we like (not what we should like), and none of us likes exactly the same stuff.
The data clearly reveals that there are “generally” two groups of people. For the vast majority, high levels of affection, prioritizing sex, and romance are part of having a great sex life. But there’s another group of people who just aren’t interested in all this.
There are two camps when it comes to sex, and we all need to know where we’re pitching our tent before we start deciding to brew some tea. Intimacy (cuddling, playing, relating, etc.) makes for a very hot cup of tea. Some of us want to drink it, while the rest feel like it’s being thrown in our face.
Some of us have no use for intimacy and prefer a sex life based wholly on titillation. Outside of just banging it out, these folks find all that talking and cuddling annoying. They will not grow out of it, so accepting them means accepting that is how they are. But be careful here because this group can fake it to get some sex or get the security a relationship offers.
Be Honest With Yourself and Your Partner
No matter what you want, you really don’t want the other. Take your time and really pay attention to your sexual needs. It may be hard to imagine, but some people don’t see the world exactly as you do.
So, if you intend to share some tea, find someone who likes it hot. Or not.