Tag: spell

Being Too Tired for Sex Doesn’t Spell Relationship Doom

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When you’re exhausted and the picture of salvation simply looks like your bed welcoming you to hop in for some shut-eye, sex is likely not the first thought in your mind. In fact, a 2017 survey found that 60 percent of folks say they crave sleep more than sex on average, indicating where our priorities are for a lot of the time. But, being too tired for sex doesn’t mean the end of intimacy in your respective partnership.

“There are a number of emotional, mental, physical, and circumstantial reasons why someone might be too tired for sex,” says sex educator Searah Deysach, owner of Chicago-based pleasure-product company Early to Bed. The root cause of someone being too tired for sex can be a number of things, including a work-life-balance issue or occupational burnout, new parenthood, or the fatigue is simply a symptom of some other health condition, she adds.

And of course, if it’s an irregular thing, prioritize that shut-eye. But, even if being too tired for sex becomes more chronic, there’s no need to worry that it’ll spell out the end of your relationship. “Many relationships go through periods where the people involved have less sex because they’re sleep-deprived,” Deysach adds.

These relationships are able to survive and thrive because there are ways to continue experiencing intimacy with your partner(s), even when you’re bone-tired, she says. Phew. Ahead, find seven suggestions for how to troubleshoot feeling too sleepy for sex.

7 expert tips for how to proceed when you’re regularly too tired for sex

1. Let go of the belief that you have to have sex often

“There is no pre-determined number of times that someone is supposed to have sex each week or month for a happy relationship,” says Rachel Rubin, MD, a board-certified urologist and sex-medicine specialist with sexual-pleasure retailer Promescent. More essential than how often you have sex is communicating about your sex life, she says.

“There is no pre-determined number of times that someone is supposed to have sex each week or month for a happy relationship.” —Rachel Rubin, MD, sex educator and urologist

“You can have sex as much or as little as you and your partner would like,” she says. And it’s a healthy practice so long as you’re on a similar page about your wants and needs getting met. Some duos, for instance, are made up of two asexual folks or two people with low(er) libido who are mutually disinterested in sex. Other couples are made up of people who have learned through trial-and-error that having sex twice per week helps them feel most connected.

Remembering that there is no “normal” sexual frequency can also help alleviate any pressures, says Deysach.

2. Prioritize quality over quantity

How the sex feels is a superior measure of sexual satisfaction than how frequently you do it. “Quality is more important when it comes to sex, because when it’s quality, it’s more memorable and satisfying,” says queer sex educator Marla Renee Stewart, MA, sexpert for sexual-wellness brand Lovers. “Ask a group of people if they prefer mutually pleasurable sex one time or bad sex seven times, and more will pick the quality sex.”

3. Talk to your partner

Maybe you want to be having more sex. Maybe you think your partner wants to be having more sex. Maybe you’re feeling guilty about how tired you are. In any of these cases, Dr. Rubin suggests communication is the best path forward.

“Using ‘I’ statements is a great way to have the conversation,” says Deysach. “Assigning blame never helps with open communication, so just speak from your heart about how you are feeling, and ask your partner to share their feelings, as well.” If you’re having a tough time initiating this convo, Dr. Rubin suggests working with a sex therapist or couples therapist for help.

4. Schedule a sex date

No, a verbal agreement won’t do it; actually input the date into your Google or fridge calendar. “This may sound a little mechanical,” says Dr. Rubin. “But many couples report that the practice of scheduling sex has increased their intimacy and closeness with their partner.”

To be very clear, scheduling sex doesn’t mean that you have to have sex during that blocked-off time. After all, you should only have sex when everyone involved is giving their enthusiastic yes. Rather, the timeframe can be understood as a time block to prioritize intimacy. If you don’t want to have sex, but do give one another a massage, talk honestly about your fears, or dance in the living room, those also mark a successful sex date, Deysach says.

5. Masturbate

“Masturbation can be a great option if you and your partner(s) routinely find yourselves with no extra time or energy for partnered play,” says Dr. Rubin. Not only does masturbating feel good, she says, it also boasts a handful of mental and physical benefits.

You could also try mutual masturbation, says Deysach, which is the act of touching yourself while your partner touches themselves right beside you. “Mutual masturbation can be a fun experience to share that can be quicker than going all-in for full-on sex,” she says.

6. Think of sex beyond penetration

When you’re zonked, the distance between zero and sex can feel insurmountable… even when you want to have sex! “Try to remember that sex doesn’t have to always mean intercourse,” says Deysach. There is a whole menu of sexual activities out there that you can share when you want to enjoy physical intimacy but don’t have enough time or energy in tank intercourse .

“Making out, oral sex and hand stuff are all great ways to connect with your partner and engage in sex play, and these activities may be easier to fit into your lifestyle or achieve when you are very busy, stressed or don’t have time for a whole meal,” she says.

7. Talk to a health-care provider

If you’re really tired, talk to your provider. Prolonged exhaustion and chronic fatigue are symptoms of a number of different health conditions, including depression, anxiety, compassion fatigue, burnout, adrenal fatigue, hormonal imbalances, and viral infection, according to the Cleveland Clinic. So, if the tiredness you’re experiencing could be described as “long-lasting,” “endless,” or “deep-seated,” mention it to your provider.

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7 Tips for When You’re Too Tired for Sex and Don’t Feel Happy About It

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How to Get Through a Dry Spell in Your Relationship

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Everything seems better at the beginning of a relationship, but especially the sex. Impromptu romps in the sack are the norm as you and your partner are excited to explore each other’s bodies. You’re never too tired or bored either—you’re almost always in the mood.

But now you’ve hit a drought. Maybe you’re stressed and busy or maybe you’ve hit a rough patch with your partner and your timing is off. Whatever the reason, the sex is infrequent or has stopped altogether. It could be a few weeks or a few months or even a few years. Yep, you’re in the middle of the dry spell. Now what?

“Dry spells are completely normal whether you’re in a relationship or single, whether intentional or not. There will always be times in your life and relationships where you want to take a break from sex and that’s completely OK,” Aliyah Moore, a certified sex therapist, tells Lifehacker. “It all boils down to how you choose to respond to it as an individual and as a couple.”

A lot of the shame attached to having a dry season comes from the social construct on how much sex we should be having rather than focusing on what is right for our current situation.

And although dry spells happen within all relationships, according to Moore, many couples ignore the signs and don’t take the time to understand why it’s happening and how to remedy the situation. “If you avoid the problem and distance yourself from your partner, you’re just making it harder for the both of you to figure out how you can get back into the game,” she says.

While dry spells are completely normal and are nothing to be ashamed about, if your dry spell is bothering you, Moore provides insight on how to break out of it.

What causes a dry spell in a relationship?

“Dry spells often happen after the ‘honeymoon’ phase in relationships. This phase varies from couple to couple, but usually, this ‘euphoric’ stage in the relationship lasts a couple of months to two years,” Moore explains.

Once this phase ends, Moore says, couples start to see their partners for who they truly are—their imperfections, quirks, etc. “Some get annoyed by them and leave their partners, while some choose to stay and accept their partners despite their flaws.”

But then, for some, a long-term partner can also turn into a constant presence that often doesn’t make them very sexy.

“They become a part of your routine to the point that sex gets boring,” she says. “Plus, it no longer becomes a priority with everything else happening in life, like a new job or kids.”

Factor in partners being taken for granted and couples dealing with many major issues in their lives including everything from demanding jobs to family problems to health issues, and sex taking a back seat is very common for many couples.

Why sex is important in relationships

Maybe you’re thinking that a dry spell isn’t a big deal; that you can do without sex so long as you and your partner are still committed and sharing a life together. So why is sex necessary in our relationships?

“Sex is a vital part of life. Any sexual activity (solo or with a partner) offers many benefits to the person’s overall health and well-being,” Moore says. “In relationships, having sex increases the levels of intimacy, trust, and love between partners.

Aside from increasing each other’s confidence levels in bed, according to Moore, sex between partners also empower couples to open up and be vulnerable to each other.

“Having regular sex improves a couple’s ability to perceive and identify their partners’ emotions. As a result, couples become better at expressing their feelings toward not only each other but also other people.”

Additionally, when a person orgasms from sex, the process triggers the release of the feel-good hormone oxytocin, which plays a vital role in creating a bond between partners.

Moreover, says Moore, most if not all couples feel more satisfied in their relationships when they can fulfill each other’s sexual desires. “Relationships tend to grow when partners can freely express themselves, as well as their sexual needs, desires, and even their fantasies.”

Figure out what’s causing the dry spell—and address it

First, you need to figure out why you’re not having sex as often or not having sex at all anymore. Dry spells happen for many reasons, ranging from minor problems (like being apart from your partner due to travel or job restrictions) to more serious ones (like trauma, health issues, or problems within the relationship).

“Taking a step back to assess the situation and identify the root cause makes it easier for all parties to understand the dry spell and remedy it,” Moore says, who suggests identifying and address these issues alone or with your partner. But either way, you must communicate to your partner next.

“I can’t stress the importance of being open with your partner enough. If you still haven’t learned the cause of your dry spell, you could discuss it and figure it out.”

If you have identified the potential cause, Moore says don’t wait for it to blow out of proportion without doing anything about it or talking about it. “Sharing your concerns and hearing what your partner has to say about them (and vice versa) may surprisingly resolve your dry spell issues. Moreover, communicating with your partner regularly helps you feel closer. Also, it relieves couples from talking to each other about anything—the good and the bad.”

So how do you broach such a subject? Moore cautions against starting the conversation with your partner if your emotions are high. “You’ll only end up saying hurtful things to them that you can’t take back and end up regretting.”

Also, try to avoid opening up this conversation when your partner just got home from work or is stressed because the conversation isn’t likely to be productive, and both of you will end up being more frustrated.

Once you find the best moment to talk to your partner, Moore recommends simply talking about how you feel without blaming or pointing fingers. “Don’t be afraid to say something in the present. Something like, ‘This has been a struggle for me.’ or ‘The past few weeks/months have really been hard for me because of…” And then express to your partner what you need right now. This approach allows couples to really express how they feel about the situation and with each other.”

It’s OK to take things slow

After having the dry spell conversation with your partner, Moore recommends taking things slow in the bedroom. “Don’t rush things, and don’t expect that you’ll immediately go from zero sex to five times a day.”

Instead, she suggests focusing on quality time and quality sex with your partner. “Make sure you have the right mindset, especially if lack of sleep, stress, or a demanding job is the root cause of the dry spell.”

What might also help reignite the spark is remembering how your courtship first started. “I’m talking about all the flirting and lovey-dovey things you did when you were still starting out as a couple (aka, the honeymoon phase),” Moore says. “Don’t be afraid to go back to basics. Go on a date, and make conversations. The touching part can always follow, as well as kisses, hugs, and cuddles. Savor the moment. Remember, each act shouldn’t always end up with sex. Do whatever makes you feel comfortable at the moment.”

If having sex feels right, Moore suggests initiating sex with words like, “Do you want to do something tonight?” or “do you want to play?”

Once things return to how they used to, Moore says don’t be afraid to experiment and explore different ways you can pleasure each other from time to time. “If you’ve reached this point in your relationship, you have to cultivate intimacy on a much deeper level. And by trying something new together, you’ll be surprising yourselves each time.”

Moore emphasizes it’s key to not expect that sex will be the same as it used to be when you started as a couple, because that can lead to disappointment for both of you.

“You have to remember that many things that have happened to you (or your partner) in the past contributed to the dry spell. Stress, lifestyle changes, and physical, emotional, and psychological factors are things you don’t easily resolve overnight. So again, take it slow and be patient with your partner.”

Moore says it’s important to focus on cultivating intimacy and a deeper connection with your partner without the pressure of making it all about sex all the time. “Do what’s comfortable for you at the moment. If you only feel like hugging or kissing one day, then feel free to do so. If you feel like doing it roughly the next day, so be it. And if you just feel like cuddling and talking about random things, do those, too. At the end of the day, it’s the bond you share with your partner that matters most.”



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I’m a relationship expert – the TV shows that spell disaster for your romance & it’s bad news if you’re Love Island fan

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SEX scenes, affairs and divorce, there’s a new wave of spicy shows that could make or break a relationship.

We give you the rundown.


There’s a new wave of spicy shows that could make or break a relationship – should you really watch Love Island with your partner?Credit: Rex



Open House sees couples trying open relationships as they stay at a retreat hosted by Jess and Thom


Open House sees couples trying open relationships as they stay at a retreat hosted by Jess and Thom

SEXUAL fantasy surveys show threesomes come out on top for blokes, but not women.

This show puts those desires into action, with couples trying open relationships.

I’m a sex historian - this cupboard staple was an ancient aphrodisiac
Why do people have sex? 9 reasons revealed

They stay at a retreat hosted by Jess, 24, and Thom, 33, who see nothing wrong with having sex with others, saying it “strengthens their bond”.

Not on your bucket list? Then give it a miss.

KATE’S VERDICT – The great sex experiment: “The danger here is some viewers will start to feel monogamy is uncool.

“Let me tell you, it’s really not. Watch for fun, but don’t feel obliged to invite the neighbours round for a live season finale.”



On Naked Attraction single blokes and women pick potential dates based purely on how they look in their birthday suits


On Naked Attraction single blokes and women pick potential dates based purely on how they look in their birthday suitsCredit: Channel 4 Press Handout

IT is probably the one of the most unusual shows on television – where single blokes and women pick potential dates based purely on how they look in their birthday suits.

The Channel 4 show, hosted by Anna Richardson, then follows them to see if their instincts served them well when they meet – fully clothed – for a date.

Of course, we all say size doesn’t matter, but we cannot pretend we haven’t choked on our cuppa when seeing some of the body parts on this show.

It is impossible not to compare what we see on screen – from perfectly preened privates to bouncy breasts and sizable penises – with what is at home.

Could your relationship handle it, or is your evening viewing likely to end in a flop?

KATE’S VERDICT – Eye-popping body parts: “Research found women enjoy looking at naked female bodies just as much as men do, even if they identify as straight.

“So the possibilities for jealousy here are doubled. Swerve this and put a mirror by your bed instead.”



Conversations With Friends has raunchy sex scenes featuring moody twentysomethings who cannot control their insatiable appetites


Conversations With Friends has raunchy sex scenes featuring moody twentysomethings who cannot control their insatiable appetitesCredit: Ruckas

REMEMBER Normal People? That raunchy bonkbuster that aired during lockdown and sparked an unofficial baby boom.

Well now BBC Three has launched Conversations With Friends, another novel-turned-series by Sally Rooney.

Watching the show’s raunchy sex scenes featuring moody twentysomethings who cannot control their insatiable appetites may prompt some uncomfortable soul-searching and make you ask yourselves, “Were we ever that hot for each other?”

Chances are, no you weren’t – no one was – but you cannot help putting your early days together under the microscope.

In Conversations With Friends, the lead characters are in a foursome with affairs and deceit aplenty.

Again, possibly not the best evening viewing for suspicious couples.

An awkward storyline with even more awkward sex scenes.

KATE’S VERDICT – Awkward sex scenes: “To last, relationships MUST move from unstable passion to predictable security.

“The further your sex life is from that of 20something students, the better it is. Turn this off and have an early night.”



Love Island tasks a group of men and women with saucy challenges in the hope they will meet The One


Love Island tasks a group of men and women with saucy challenges in the hope they will meet The OneCredit: Eroteme

TALL, tanned men with six packs, standing alongside curvaceous women, with never-ending legs and perky assets, it can only be Love Island.

The ITV reality show tasks a group of men and women with saucy challenges in the hope they will meet The One.

Take the annual Heart Racer challenge where half-naked islanders compete to perform the sexiest lap dance and see who raises their co-stars’ heart rates the most.

Cue your partner nagging you to strip to your stockings and suspenders for his own special show.

Then there are the debates that divide couples up and down the country every year.

From gaslighting and the rights and wrongs of flirting while “coupled up” to how soon is too soon for sex.

Just like the polarising issues on shows like Married At First Sight, it can be a minefield.

KATE’S VERDICT – Prepare to fall out: “Love Island could make waves in even the most committed couples. A 2019 survey found 39% of viewers fantasised about Islanders during sex with their actual partner.

“The fact that it’s reality TV makes us feel we’re only one dating-app swipe away from meeting our own Ovie or Maura in real life. Too close to home? Avoid.”



The Split follows divorce lawyers as they juggle work and their own dysfunctional relationships


The Split follows divorce lawyers as they juggle work and their own dysfunctional relationshipsCredit: BBC

THIS is brilliant, but is it a show you should binge-watch while your other half is out?

Any couple that chooses to sit down together to watch a series about brutal break-ups and tangled webs of deceit needs a medal.

The BBC’s sex-packed legal drama follows divorce lawyers as they juggle work and their own dysfunctional relationships.

At the centre of it is Hannah, who is in a love triangle with husband Nathan and fellow lawyer Christie.

Series three, which aired last month and is available on iPlayer, will leave you in tears.

Avoid if your wedding vows are under strain.

KATE’S VERDICT – Divorce? Not tonight thanks: “Shows like this create the impression that every marriage will end. Not true! The UK divorce rate is falling.

“But, coupled with the recent introduction of no-fault, digital divorces, this show could inspire couples to break up.”



WONDERING if your other half will ever commit? This Netflix dating show could, or could not be, for you.

Hosted by Nick and Vanessa Lachey, it focuses on six long-term couples who have come to an impasse where one party issues an ultimatum – to get married, or move on.

The couples spend time apart, mingling with the other couples and test their will-power by sleeping in the same bed as someone else.

They have the green light to cheat and must decide if they like it or not. A great way to decide whether to get married, right?

Channel 4’s Open House: The Great Sex Experiment has similar vibes – couples have threesomes to see if they like it.

KATE’S VERDICT – Commitment-phobes beware: “Watch this too soon into a relationship and it’ll seem like a hint; watch it a few years later, it’ll seem like an even bigger hint.

“Only safe to watch on your own, where you can cheer as the taken-for-granted partners finally find their backbone.”



STEAMY dreams can disturb the peace at home. Especially if the subject of the dreams is an ex!

Eight-part fantasy-charged Sex/Life on Netflix sees housewife Billie grapple between her perfect-but-boring marriage and the sexually fulfilling relationship with her player ex, Brad.

She has flashbacks of wild sex with her well-endowed ex-boyfriend and keeps a record in an erotic diary on her laptop, which husband Cooper reads. Uh oh!

Everyone has a past – an attractive ex or the one that got away – and this series could certainly make imaginations run wild.

But if it kicks you or your other half into upping your game in the bedroom, it could be for you.

KATE’S VERDICT – The one that got away: “If you’re ever in doubt, here’s the truth: NO, a secret sex blog about your well-hung ex is NOT an effective way to rescue a boring marriage.

“Stop wearing floor-length nighties to bed and start being honest about what you need. Done.”